Amputated empathy
As I completed the audiobook “Attachment” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, it became obvious that my last relationship was an anxious with anxious attachment type scenario. Even if we both displayed some secure attachment traits, the precarious nature of our union stood on a delicate equilibrium that eventually was lost to our mutual fears — we doubly self-prophecized. I feared he would lie and hide, he feared I would leave him; we were both right.
I have much to learn about true secure attachment. I’ve been brained washed in the popular narrative of independence, collapsing codependence with necessary attachment. This book has reorganized my socialization concepts, and I will definitely prioritize finding a partner to coexist with once I move. Without jumping blindly into the first fling, I will exercise clear communication and assertiveness to, hopefully, find a like-minded person to share my life with. From the “Times” magazine edition on Happiness, to Ester Perel books, to “Together” by Dr. Vivek, and now “Attachment,” it’s time I get the message — Being alone is not in my best interest.
I’ve heavily used the “Miranda's right” of relationships described by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Not to feel responsible for other's emotions or even make sure others don’t feel responsible for my emotions, I’ve amputated empathy to fit a widely spread misconception. Caring for someone means we care about how they feel and how we make them feel. It seems obvious when simplified that way, but I had become increasingly detached in the strong current of emotional personal responsibility and emotional self-awareness. I’ll have to develop even more perceptual nuances to find the healthy balance between adequate empathy while not taking on my shoulders all my partner's issues. Between sharing life and healthy boundaries, continuously moving grey areas are to be observed.
Another aspect of romance the book explored was the hope for effortless unfolding. I’ve been afflicted by magical thinking from a young age, using it to cope with my misfortunes. From idealizing the future of my relationships to over-optimism for my entrepreneurial endeavours, I would look only at what my emotions could handle neglecting to plan realistically. Being more emotionally and psychologically educated, I can now reassure the inner child that created this defence mechanism. I can let go of my exaggerated expectations, and also let go of the other side of that equation: an exaggerated sense of gloom and doom. There were two sides to that coin, making it scary to look away from the bright face since my brain perceived that the only other possible outcome was complete despair. That’s the beauty of working on removing cognitive distortions. Thanks to “Attachment”, I cleaned up many toxic biases.
After years of hard work, I now have tangible proof from my own experiences that, on many occasions, my efforts did pay off. That I will be recognized for my achievement and that I can be loved. Things can take a positive turn, and it’s worth trying time and time again. As advised by the authors, I won’t be leaving my future relationships to chance. Furthermore, I won’t be leaving my existence to chance. I want to be aware and conscientious of all the choices I make, carefully studying the situation and its aspects to develop a healthy solution. Being in a relationship is vital, but it’s vitally important I pick the right partner too. It will be much easier now that I have tools to evaluate my needs and my date's needs.
