Mar 19
An unexpected emotional roller-coaster
First and for most, I adore my math tutor, and I believe in his methods. He started tutoring at the age of 14, and has helped thousands of students of the course of the past 14 years or so. He’s a math genius with a gift for teaching. With thay being said, he has his methods, and one of them is tough love.
Today I got some tough love from him as I struggled with one of the concepts I’m learning. What’s interesting is how he spotted I was really stressed, and scared. When he asked me if everything was okay in my personal life, I bursted into tears. No, I’m not okay. I’ve been isolate, ans alone for more than a year, and it has worn me down completely. I know it will get better when I move to my new place, and now that social activities will start again soon, I’ll have the chance to meet new people.
The things that hurt me most is to feel let down by my closest friends. The one I call my best friend has been so enamored with his internet crush that he never calls or messages me anymorw. S has completely brushed me off the last time I needed to confied in her, and R has been silent since our last interactions. I hate that I never keep my friends in the long run. I’ve always had to build new friendships through out my life since the previous ones dissipated. As much as I’m enjoying the new connections I make at school, it’s not the same as talking to someone who really knows me.
The weight of loneliness is crushing at this point. Finding a therapy for weekly sessions will be important at this point. To share my life events, and freely speak is not something I can do with just anybody. Still, to pay to be heard doesn’t feel genuine. Having been a social outcast since childhood, not beong able to break free from this curse is a painful reality.
After a good chat, my tutor and I carried on, and the notion was understood. Still, I feel the weight of my situation. I was turning a blind eye to the situation since the beginning of this semester. The neurostimulants gave me a fake sense of functionality. At the core, I’m heartbroken, and alone. I know that what is happening with my friendships will taint future interactions. The trust I placed in them has been eroded. I’m optimistic that I will find new friends; the question is how am I going to hold on to those new relationships? Also, when will I find someone to share my day-to-day with?
Thise heavy truths are very much exposed at the moment. It’s a difficult look into my inner mirror. This situation keeps repeating itself, so I have to make a choice. I’ll have to re-evaluate how to approach my close relationships, and ether change me or change my expectations. Most likely, I will have to adjust both. It sucks. This makes me feel naive, and broken. I will take the time to book therapy next week. For now, I will sleep.
