Awake
I’m not talking about some spiritual awakening. I managed to wake up around 6 am. This hasn’t happened in weeks. Getting out of bed without feeling drained remains a daily battle. Motivation abounds, while energy doesn’t show up. Chronic fatigue seeps in every corner of my life.
On this new blogging start, consistency will be challenging since having rescheduled my writing time at the beginning of the day. My strategy is to go with the flow. If I can’t make it that day, then, I can’t make it. I no longer will force myself to blog. My two year personal goal of posting on a daily basis is complete, now, I can write for my own enjoyment. It’s funny that I felt obliged when I was the one who initially set this challenge, but the frequency I expected of myself was difficult to maintain. Some may be able to comfortably post everyday which is admirable. For my part, when I created my goal, little did I know that the fatigue I felt then wouldn’t subside. I’ve learned a lot in the past twenty four months.
Reflecting on where I was then, and where I stand now feels surreal. Back then, we only had one wave of Covid. I thought I would run my business for a few more years. I wanted to start school around 2022, and though I would do so in Alberta or Manitoba. My heart was attached to another man, which I wholeheartedly believed he was “the one”. The person he became in retrospect is the one who forever shifted my perception of relationships, and trust. I would no longer accept drama, and lies. My bullshit-metre doesn’t let anything pass anymore, that it’s my own or others nonsense. I rejected toxic masculinity all, and all. Gifts, and money could never be used to manipulate me again. And good intentions means fuck-all (pardon my French). I thought I would never be able to love again. Then, I discovered the dangers of loneliness for physical health, and reopened the door thinking a woman would enter my life. But, in a flash, after my final interaction with P, I remembered St.
Little did I know I would have moved across a continent to become a career student. I thought I had left Quebec for good back in 2013. After analysing my school funding options, I came back to my home province. A very brutal path awaited, as I entered the preparation certificate for science studies. I managed to learn the equivalent of four years of advanced highschool maths in a year. Close to 200 hours of tutoring later, I can function in a university science program. The start of my educational journey was a vertical slope. In that turmoil of adaptation, and crash learning, I hadn’t thought of St, till P put me in a situation that echoed what happened with St, fourteen years ago.
I like to repeat that journey of mine. I’m proud of having overcome incredible obstacles, and I intend to blow my own horn for as long as my mind hasn’t wrapped itself around what happened. I also like to replay my reconnection with St. It’s my own love story happily ever after. Years of heartbreaks, and loneliness led me to recognise how incredible St is. He used to be my best friend, so I enjoyed spending time with him without any infatuation, and we communicated harmoniously. This was crucial to establish that we had potential for a long term relationship. A few texts, one short misunderstanding, many dates, a never ending visit, a move, and a university change later, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in a relationship.
Looking back on where I was when I started blogging always bewilders me, and amazes me. No one could have expected this outcome: well we all live in an unpredictable world. I did reach my goal to go back to school by 2022, but the way it happened remains magical to me — my own little quest . I’m glad I had the energy to wake up, and write, but time to study now. Adelayed final exam awaits, and a brand new semester are on their way.
