Between shame and pride
I almost decided to slide under the rug my true feelings to only expose the nice stuff. But the weight of my sadness is squeezing the words out and I will talk about the two most important aspects of my day, good and bad.
I went back on campus today for a few hours and accomplished some math review exercises to prepare for class. I also used the cooler hours of the morning to further organize my new place and ate good homemade food. I even done a load of laundry in the evening staying on top of my to-do list. That, I’m pretty happy of.
Though a sad news came to me in the morning. One of my dearest friend with whom I stay when I visit Montreal has taken a step back from our friendship. Not terminating all contacts, I can feel a cold. I made the mistake of bringing L to his place before the relationship had passed the six months probation period. My Montreal friend and I did talk about not bringing new flings in his house and I agreed back than and still do. With the limitation in time and all that was going on with my move, I asked to bend the rule and my friend accepted reluctantly.
I didn’t see how much it affected him till today. Introducing someone not only to him, but to his whole family is a big deal and I concur. The rapid failure of my relationship attempt with L makes this even more problematic. I was concerned about this situation, though got the confirmation it was a problem this morning.
With tearing eyes, I accomplished all my tasks of the day. I don’t know if I can recover the trust of that friend. I don’t know if our dynamic is changed for ever. I can only be sad and I’ll have to wait and see.
Between the diffiucties of my move, to my romantic collapse and the subsequent impact it had on the recently built friendships that also came to and end afterwards, it’s a lot of social losses to bare in the spent of a few weeks.
I’m taking a break from making new friends from this point. I have good friends that need some attention and I will focus on those who have been around during the good and the bad. I wish I would have used that piece of wisdom late June so I wouldn’t have invited L in Montreal. Hindsight 20/20.
The best thing to do is bring this subject up in therapy and re-educate my socializing habits. As much as I love my system of initial trust to later withdraw or add to that base line may not be adequate. It’s so against my nature to be shield and to withhold from being my open welcoming self. Having to shutdown my warmth to impose a harsher selection process feels terrible. I don’t know what else to do right now but to be wary of new acquaintances. I hope a viable alternative comes up eventually where a little bit of guard can be mixed with openness.
It’s time to go to bed and ot will be hard to relax with so many unpleasant thoughts lingering around. Hopefully some natural sleeping aid will help me defeat the carrousel of my memories.
