Breakthrough
A laundry advice conversation led me to a great realization this morning. St, and I are experiencing unprecedented growth from our relationship. Talking about our upbringings, we’ve been expanding our understanding of eachother, and deepening our own self-awareness.
When it comes to cleaning, I’m particular. My mother raised me to pay attention to every details of a house, and think through every techniques to maintain, and clean. She was very critical, and I often felt she was harsh. I unfortunately inherited the harsh ways she use to teach.
I’ve become aware of my negative criticism habits through various interactions in friendship, at work, and in romance. I’m the nagging type, that won’t get off your case till she’s completely satisfied eith the situation. I work hard to become more conscious of my detrimental ways of communicating. Still, I struggle, specially with housekeeping instructions.
As I tried to be as positive, and fun with St while teaching him tips and tricks about laundry, I noticed an agressive undertone in my attitude. So, I talked it out with St. We quickly came to the realization that it was a way to expeess I cared about someone, and I wanted them to be healthy, and well.
At a first glance it’s pretty obvious, but I didn’t realize that the extent of my criticism was equal to the love my parents had for me. My mom cares so deeply about my success, and well being that she couldn’t let anything pass. My dad had to make sure any mistakes were corrected immediately to guarantee future safety.
For the first time, I became fully present that what had caused so much harm to my self-esteem, and self-confidence as a child was due to my inability to see the love behind my parents harsh words. Of course a child wouldn’t be able to understand those kinds of dynamics; all a young mind can interpret is punishment. Unfortunately, these difficult lessons left me feeling unlovable, and incapable.
My breakthrough allowed me to permanently shift my perception of my parents education. I finally saw how much they wanted me to be well. The intensity of their reaction was directly proportional to their desire to proctect me, and make me strong. I felt deeply moved by their dedication — I felt loved.
It’s a life changing perceptual shift. All the love I thought I didn’t receive was delivered in a language I couldn’t read. I understand now. Thank mother, and father for giving your all to my education; I’m deeply grateful.
