As much as I wish I could continue writing regularly, the intensity of studying, and the need for physical exercise demands my time. When I read back my better posts, I’m surprised by some eloquent spars. I think I could have an interesting writing style, and I could develop my redaction skills, but I can only invest myself in so many activities. University life is a demanding one, especially when you want to understand what you’re learning. Plus, my new coupled life also requires some attention. My physical health haven taken a dive since my return to studies, I have to prioritise which leads to the unpleasant process of putting certain things on the back burner till circumstances permits again.
When I’m creating a good post, I spend over two hours on it. That’s a big chunk taken from my day considering the fact I need to sleep more than the average person due to my depression, ADD, and chronic fatigue. Also, the long hours I spend sitting when studying led me to a state of extreme sedentarity. I’ve never been so weak in my life. As my dendrites multiplied, my muscle fibres atrophied. That’s not healthy for my mind, and body. I need to balance my levels of activity so I can take care of myself in the process of getting my bachelor. Acquiring a hire education has been a long life dream, and I’m adamant that it mustn’t come at the cost of my wellbeing.
Stress management was the first aspect of my student life I had to tackle, and I’ve made considerable progress on that front. Securing my finances, stabilising my living situation, cultivating healthy relationships, forging good habits, and managing my intense emotions are all wonderful achievements I have achieved since I started writing this blog. In less than three years, I’ve journeyed light years away from where I started. I’ll make sure to save all my journaling, because the progression is astounding, to me. As reluctant as it was to stop blogging, one important aspect of this decision is my mental load. To constantly feel that I’m failing at accomplishing an important task has taken its toll on me. It’s probably the biggest reason why I’m bringing an official closer to my experiment. I need to rest assured I didn’t just stop following through.
Completing my two years of blogging challenge was the original goal, and I succeeded. I posted consistently on the large majority of the 730 days of my quest. Some posts consist of a few words, others are extensive. One writing motivator was the intensity of my emotions at the time. If something really triggered me, I could structure my thoughts, and compose texts at a mesmerising pace. Unfortunately, only negative emotions could truly ignite some inspiring results. I’ve written about positive facettes of my life in the past year, but I’m less driven, which is a good thing. If my need to express my feelings was predominantly driven by hurtful feelings, not posting as much is a sign that I’m doing much much better. I wish I could write more out of positive emotions in the future.
I’ve expressed my pride for my progress in multiple blogs so I don’t wish to reiterate. This post is a closure process. I’m acknowledging my success, something I’m terrible at, and I’m letting go of perfectionism. In a perfect world, I could continue like a real trooper, and bask in the warmth of productivity porn. Reality is less appealing. There’s 24 hours in a day, a physics fact I can’t defeat; my body needs between 7 1/2 to 9 hours of sleep, and everything else presses for time. I’ve chosen to prioritise my physical, and my mental health throughout my life. School has made it hard to honour this personal commitment, but I’m adapting at the speed of my own baby steps.
Writing was an important therapeutic tool in the past three years, and I’m not quitting on my mental health. Actually, I’ve been quite proactive in the past semester on that front. I’m waiting to meet for the first time a therapist that specialises in perfectionism, and anxiety this Thursday. Also, I’m waiting to start a series of five counselling sessions with my university in regards to studying stress management. I’ve started an online program to improve my sleep, and am actively practising relaxation techniques to tame the incessant running squirrels of my mind. Most importantly, the one significant thing that has dramatically transformed my emotional wellbeing is St.
Discovering the safety, and bliss of being cared for by someone with healthy attachment patterns is life changing. Ture love is different for everyone, and unconditional love would be unrealistic when boundaries are so important inorder to maintain a healthy relationship. It’s hard to find the right words to express romantic love. Everything gets scrambled, and distorted by media, personnel experience, and upbringings. St’s love was my remedy. I’ve discovered what it is to fully trust someone, and allow myself to depend on my partener. We found an equilibrium where we both contribute greatly to each other’s lives in the specific ways we need it. What he needs goes without saying in my world, and I can provide it effortlessly, it’s just instinctive. As for his care, it comes equally naturally to him without any taxation on his well being. A miracle, truely.
We had to work on our communication, mostly for me. I’ve dragged verbal violence in my relationships all my life, and it was time to stop. We did a few sessions of couples counselling early on to defeat that beast, and permanent sustainable healing has taken place. When I’m overwhelmed with anger, I now see better the deep childhood wound behind. We both recognise that in that instance, I fell into a well of despair, and we can give it space, and time to come to light. At the core, when I feel unsafe, I attack. Repeated loving interaction with St, has taught me that I AM SAFE. He’s there for me. He got my back. He won’t leave me. I’m accepted, and understood. I’m loved. Like that, my inner child heals a little more each day.
Science studies gave me a new level of emotional maturity, now love gives me emotional wisdom. While audio-reading, “Scattered minds”, by Gabor Maté, I clearly see the stages of development I couldn’t achieve as a child. I’m finally given the tools to undergo the maturation process. Adulting feels wonderful! I’ve resisted so many aspects of adult life because of the truck load of negativity I bathed in as a child. Shame trips (guilt trip is an understatement in my situation), and pain were the sole motivators in acquiring responsibilities. How can you expect someone to grow into a healthy adult under those circumstances? Well, I’m figuring that out, and I’m radically transforming my relationship with responsibilities, and commitments. I’m finally eager to grow into a functional healthy adult. It feels light, fun, and flexible with the right teacher.
This conclusion is a cliché door closing as a window opens on to a brand new beginning. Many windows for multiple beginnings. A custom ring is on its way for St, and I engagement party on June 4th. I’ve been accepted into the medical faculty of my university in microbiology and immunology. My depression is at its lowest in all my life, and my body is rebuilding in a respectful, and sustainable way. Most importantly, I found a home. I now belong in a new family, and a new community. The foundations to grow steadily in all my dreams have been laid. I no longer need to run, or hide. I can face myself with love, and acceptance.