Dedication even with distraction
I’m nervous about tomorrow. This is a big deal, and I want it to go well. Will the doctor be cooperative? Will they accept my request before the deadline? Will I have to suffer a cut while things get worked out? This is stressful, but I keep bringing my focus back on the here and now.
I nailed my last 2 quizzes, and my studies are back on track. My highschool math review is slower than I wished, but a little is being done each week. Progress is what matters most. In small increments, I do a bit more each day.
Even if my brain bashed the earworm I had stuck in my head while I tried to focus on my exercises questions, I let the internal blasting music play, and stubbornly returned to understanding what I was doing. It’s crazy how neurology works sometimes. My mind is often a delinquent that just responds as it wishes. The more I try to discipline it, the more it pushes back. So, I’ve learned to preserve my energy, and let it be while I use the more compliant part of me do some work.
Before educating myself on what ADD actually is, I had no clue that my procrastination was a typical symptom of the disorder. With understanding, I can better be compassionate towards myself when obstacles arise, like my central nervous system playing the DJ in the middle of my studies. Also a typical trait of attention deficit. The funniest part today is that I chose to study for a bit in a social area of the science department where there’s a piano that isn’t used often, but today someone played. He was a good player as a matter of fact, yet his music didn’t even resonate as loud as my internal earworm. I was sitting right beside the piano by the way. An ADD brain can be very loud, and disorderly.
Luckily, with age, my patience grew, and my internal tantrums don’t affect me as much as they used to. Like in the art of meditation, I gently bring my thoughts back to the here and now. No matter how often I have to do it. Even if I do it all day long. This kind of reframing is the best way I know so far to move on. It’s also what mindfulness teachers recommend. To constantly let go, and come back to the here and now no matter the circumstances.