Discernment
I can’t do it all. I’ve been told by teachers, tutors, and graduates that it’s paramount to make study choices. As Parkinson’s law say it elegantly : "work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion." The problem is that I’ve allocated my entire awaken time, and even stepped on my sleep schedule to give space for work. All I’ve accomplished is to exhaust myself while advancing at a slower pace than ever.
A pathetic 4 problems in chemistry is all I could handle today. I chatted with school friends on my way home, cleaned a pile of dishes, chopped veggies for the weeks to come, cooked, and collapsed in my bed. I started the audiobook, “Limitless,” by Jim Kwik. Something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time, and have postponed for some unknown reason. Reviewing my neurospychological report yesterday brought back in perspective my situation. I need to learn differently, and more efficiently.
Receiving the advice of an expert, who overcame a major brain injury, and now teaches to thousands of people around the world his learning techniques is reassuring. Also, after doing a bit of research on performance anxiety, I discovered that I’m currently crippled with it. I always saw this affliction as the winny kid who’s looking for attention, and dramatizing for nothing. With a bit more awareness now, I can see that this kind of anxiety creeps in many people’s behaviors. One of the biggest down side to ADD medication is anxiety. I never been so cognitively debilitated by stress before. I had to calm myself down over-and-over again as I tried to move forward on my homework at school today.
My body, and subconscious remember the pain, and despair of last semester’s chemistry studies. How I cried, and slayed to succeed in ridiculously basic math exercises. My fear of getting back into that situation is creating a self-fulfilling prophecy at this point. I spend more energy taming my anguish than actually studying. I started the short-term acting, and lower dosage of neurostimulant today. It’s okay, but between my severe stress, and the stimulant, I can’t tell at the moment which one is keeping me on edge. One way or another, I have to adjust to this new reality.
Hopefully the reading of this new book can facilitate the rebuilding of my confidence. To be provided with learning tools to start gaining traction again in my chemistry studies would be a blessing. Also, the math aide center tutor can help me with chemistry. I will ask my learning handicap counselor to get some one-on-one tutoring financed with him. I’ll see how much they allocate per week, and I will cover the rest. He’s just a few bucks more than my engineer friend, so it’s within my budget. Also, I don’t need my tutor friend as much since I go to the math aide center.
I have to keep reminding myself that, I have time to catch up on my chemistry studies. I have help, and I can do this. I’m terrified, but I’ll plunge headfirst, as always, to tackle the job.
