Do you really care about your future-self?
Yesterday’s epiphany snowballed through my day to bring me deeper, and deeper insight. This thought, “don’t be a jerk to your future-self,” carries ramifications much deeper than untying a pair of shoes for the next use. Realizing that I’m truly compassionate, and caring for my wellbeing for the first time in my life means the world to me.
I care enough to give myself the time, space, and tools to succeed. I believe enough in my ability to succeed that I keep going regardless of the hurdles, and no matter how slow I am. I love myself enough to prepare in advance for what I need, and spread my work load evenly. This is major because I’ve never did those good things even if I knew I should do them. It wasn’t a question of understanding the concept of planning for the future, I never loved enough that so called future to want to invest in it.
I’m the dreaming type, and had tones of ideas of selfs I could be. On paper it was sound, and accessible, but each time I self-sabotaged. The people in my life found me talented, creative, and outgoing, so they never could comprehend why I wouldn’t move ahead. I came up with a dozen of great career or business ideas over the years, many believed in my ability to achieve my goals. Time, and time again, I would drift, and sink.
It came to the point that most closest to me stopped hoping for any meaningful outcome from my projects. The only hope was that I would sustain myself, and maybe persevere for a bit. I don’t blame them; before they lost faith in my future, I had lost faith in my future well before. But why?
This concept of carrying for how I will be in a few days, few weeks, or few years ahead didn’t really stick till now because I ether didn’t believe I could achieve that future, or I didn’t like that future. I wrote this other self-made quote earlier in the Fall: “do you love your future enough to really go for it?” Even if an idea seems wonderful, if it’s not what I really want deep down, I’ll lack the motivation to push through the hardships. But for the plans I really cared about, then quiting early would spare me the pain of find out I could suck at it or that some unfortunate circumstances would stop me from getting where I wanted.
Self-sabotaging is one of the most mind-boggling psychological issues. It’s such a backward emotional pattern that it’s hard to get rid of it. How can one push away what they need the most? Fear of course is always behind the curtain pulling the strings. Hence why continuous counseling, and introspection deems necessary to catch myself before falling into a self-made trap. When obstacles emerge, before giving the lead to fear, asking a few questions to myself, and to people who can efficiently guide me has saved me from many hasty bad decisions. It’s a work in progress, but I try to do it as much as I can.
That new found ability to believe in my capability to sort out what comes at me, and my genuine desire to care for my future-self is to me the greatest proof that I’m healing. My tiny steps feel good no matter how slowly I’m moving forward. I don’t care if the world do things differently, I found my own way to achievement, and I’m sticking with it. Also, not being a jerk to my future-self rocks! Another thing that rocks is my 82% grade on my chemistry exam when the class average is 61%. I’m in the right path, and best part, I enjoy it.
