Emotionally responsible choices
As much as it makes me sad, I have to plan for long term success rather than instant gratification. It may sound exagerated to say that I’m heartbroken by the outcome of my dating attempt with St. It’s not so much the current situation that hurts me, but the friendship I’ve lost once more. As a feminist, I don’t see potential for an emotionally nurturing friendship at this point. It sucks, and I’m tending my disappointment wound.
To be faire, he asked me to take my time, and I build up my expectations all on my own. What’s hard to accept is that I never knew him, that the person I thought to be my best friend back in 2008 was a complete stranger. I haven’t gone into the details of our last interaction, but the answers he gave me about what he liked about me, how he saw masculinity, and how he saw relationship dynamics left me startled. I had no idea he embraces entrenched conservative gender roles beliefs, and adhered to all the toxic traits one could identify his masculinity with. Mourning the friendship that nerver was is hard — I’ve lost an entire chunk of my past I was very found of. A story I cherished but was the fruit of my imagination.
From idealization to disenchantment, I stand corrected, and disillusioned. The one thing I can be positive about was my new found ability to NOT fall back in the trap to try to change a man to have him suit my vision of him. It’s a painful victory. In one hand I dodged a bullet, but on the other, I’m left with the raw awareness of my loneliness. Being single is not the issue, what’s saddening me is having lost someone I thought I could share deep emotional intimacy with. Being able to fully display my emotions, and be my authentic self is a rare occurrence. Luckily my best friend, and S can bear witness of my true self, but I get to do it so rarely because of their busy lives. I long for the day I find a daily confident I can lean on, and that reciprocally can lean on me with individual issues we’re intersted to help one another with.
In that hope that one day I will find an emotionally aware confident, I will go to rest.
School wise, I did my first tutoring session with my new physics tutor followed by my math tutoring with my new math tutor. A did a bit of studying on my own, but I have to do much more over the weekend. To be continued.