Fatigue, excitement, fear and wonder.

This is what I would respond if you'd ask me how I am. I’ve made my arrangements with a moving company, and I’m slowly starting to select what I will leave behind. School is going well, even if I spent most of my classes listening from a horizontal position due to my accumulated fatigue. My goals are moving forward though my heart feels like it needs more time to process all the change. I’m petrified even if I was perfectly aware of the insane turmoil my life would undergo when I chose to move while being in school for the first time in 10 years. Regardless of the fear, I keep taking steps on a journey towards my desires.

Moment by moment, I’m engulfed in memories of what was, and the next, I’m flying on the wings of future possibilities. I’m quite familiar with my romantic temperament, but I never had such extremes coexist so closely before. Between the largest move coordinated all on my own and the biggest study journey of my life, I feel unsettled. Truly relying on myself alone and trusting that I will manage scares me. Rationally I know I have all the necessary tools to manage my situation, even my heart pounds at the thought of all the excitement ahead. But something intangible is twisting my guts and making me uneasy.

Is it the lack of in-person social support for a close love one? Is it the fear of past failure? Or could it just be the discomfort of entering a new chapter of my life? I’m still mourning my recent breakup; moving out of my current city will physically pull me away from the last place I spent tender moments with my beloved. I lived eight transformative, wild and liberating years here. I’m also letting go of my nomadic lifestyle for a long time. The rebel is falling in line, and it’s strange. I know this momentary compliance will allow better freedom in the future; nevertheless, a me that soon will become past is nostalgic.