How to cope with tougher weeks? Things are great when I make inventory of all the positive aspects of my life. There’s definitely more good than bad, so why am I feeling like garbage? Can’t I stop being demoralized once in a while? Or should I learn to accept that I’ll have a poopy attitude on a regular just cause?

It’s frustrating, but I’m aware that my depression is not fully under control yet. Fear has always been a great motivator, and it sure did a great job on the first half of my semester, but it’s not sustainable in the long run. Pushing through the dole details isn’t something I’ve perfected. I’m not looking to avoid efforts, it’s more about the lack of adrenaline, and novelty. I’ve always seeked excitement in the form of new life experiences. I’m not into substances nor reckless behaviour. What I’m passionate of is learning new skills, and discovering new ways of living. I certainly am learning new skills, and have dramatically changed life style though the initial thrill is wearing off.

What to do when new is not so shiny anymore? I know I’m experiencing an ambiguous sense of melancholy. The fact I cannot socialize normally is a driving factor that creates my feeling of emptiness. Still, there must be solutions to stabilize my mood on my own. I care deeply about my success, and have all intentions to keep course with my studies. What’s bothering me most is not being able to fully manage my emotional states, which affects my performance.

Writing about my turmoil helps. Messaging friends also alleviate some of the gloominess. I’ve never cooked so well for myself alone on a consistent base for that long before. I feed my brain great audiobooks, and play uplifting music to sheer me up through out the day. I do put in a lot of effort taking care of my emotional state. I wish it would cooperate more often.

I’ll have to sleep off my funk knowing that in the morning I’ll be better. I just hope my good mood sticks around past 4 pm. Evenings are the hardest on my mood. I can’t wait for a few social activities to brighten up my weeks after school in the future. Not only do I need patience with my healing, the world got to heal itself too before a sense of balance comes back.

Gratitude Journal:

I’m grateful for the researchers cataloging our world’s natural wonders.

My daily diary as a student entering university for the first time at forty. Growth is my life long quest. Kaizenka, ex-nomade, foodie, and health nerd.