Fresh restart
Yay!!! I reconnected successfully with an old friend and was warmly welcomed back! I was so worried that my 2-year silence would have made her feel I didn’t care, but it wasn’t the case at all. I’m relieved and glad I reached out before making the decision for her that she wouldn’t want me back. I’d rather know what the other person thinks, even if it’s negative than stay in a perpetual state of uncertainty.
It was a productive day under a radiant sun. I tackled many to-dos, ate phenomenally well, read many blog posts and started a new audiobook — “Fierce Conversations” by Susan Scott. It’s the perfect education to undergo as I want to improve my assertiveness and honesty. Over the years, my courage to address difficult topics dramatically decreased and I want to regain the level of integrity I use to have in 2012. Chronic fatigue obliges, I can’t live in the stress of white lies and pretends anymore.
My body shuts down at any signs of inauthenticity now. That I try to full myself into a new endeavour — my good friend S calls it my “bubbles” which are hypomanic episodes — or that I try to uphold a self that is not me to others, I don’t have the energy to feed deception. The first type of inauthenticity is my most common behaviour keeping me in denial of my true needs. I obviously didn’t choose this coping mechanism, though I’m better equipped now to create a new response to scary situations or decisions.
Refocusing on my authentic values, away from introjections, and deeply listening to what my heart wants regardless of the fears of my mind, I’m slowly recovering my internal compass. I’m aware I’ve made bad decisions and that I’ve behaved in less than admirable ways in the past decade, but hiding away is not the solution. My days of nomadism definitely enabled some avoidance and displacement, though my problems and memories followed me in the deepest corners of the world. No matter how adrenaline-bursting and enriching my adventures were, in the back of my mind, I knew I was running from my demons. No matter how many flights I took, it was never far away enough from my problems.
I’m unbelievably grateful that the pandemic forced me to stop and reflect. I was blasting through the rat race drifting further from my true self, in search of exterior validation because deep down, I was displeased with who I was becoming. I adored my work and loved my travelling lifestyle, but the cost on my emotional life, the lack of time for my true passions and the neglect of my dear friendships was beyond what I could muster. That’s when the fatigue started appearing, being the wise way my body used to realign me with my soul and purpose.
I intend to travel regularly in the future, I will always be passionate about discovering the world. This time, I want to stroll with me, not away from me. I will cultivate my experiences rather than collect destinations on a list. I want to savour my journeys along with my loved ones virtually or in person. Most importantly, I want to love myself with every step I take and be proud of the words I speak. Because no matter how imperfect my path may be, I own up to my actions and restore my integrity as I go.
