Gentle
Okay, I pushed myself real hard. Harder than ever before since I can push myself with the help of neurostimulants. I’ve been functioning from 6 am till past 10 pm most days. I have to slow down.
Thankfully today was a day of personal to-dos. From a routine medical appointment to my online math tutoring, and my depression management workshop, I did things for me with people I enjoy being with. Maybe not the doctor, but I didn’t plunge into deep studies. One way or another, I couldn’t. I’ve reached a level of fatigue that had my brain simply stop — even with my ADD meds.
I was emotional, and teary-eyed in my self-management of depression symptoms session, and received the kind support of the group. With a bit of chatting I realized that I’ve accomplished a lot more that I can grasp at the moment. Still, I constantly feel I’m doing less than everyone. I have less classes, that’s a fact. I take insane amounts of time to do homework, that’s also a hard fact. When I admitted how long I’ve taken to do my lab report to another student earlier, his eyes bulged out of there sockets. I have an issue. I really take way to much time tweaking details.
It seems I can only find security in what I do if I take as much time as my energy allows. With the constant reviewing of each details, questioning each step, verifying every calculations endlessly, it’s obvious signs of massive fear. Fear of failing, mixed with fear of judgement, and let’s not forget my internal critic endless nagging. It’s not sane. I mean truly. We reviewed this kind of unhealthy behavior in my depression management workshop today. I feel I need constant reassurance, and validation. The thing is, unless I receive my feedback from someone in a position to evaluate my academic performance, any other forms of compliment or support washes off. I know what the people close to me say is as relevant, an true as any expert’s opinion, but I’m despreatly looking to be accepted in the “in crowed” of the nerds. Unless it becomes as easy for me to resolve scientifique, and mathematical problems as it is for many of the students in the science faculty, I feel that I’m an idot.
I know it’s not true, but I can’t shake off this perception of myself. I really want to be as good as everybody. Ironically, not everybody is a science genius, but somehow, in my imagination, anyone who invest as much time as I do on homework would become top of the class. I barely make it in the average. It sucks…
It’s a high expectation to put on myself, I know it. Though, I want it so very bad. I want to be smart. I want to grasp hard concepts. I need to understand the world. More than anything, I strive to defeat my inner monster, and prove that I am smart in my own mind. I don’t want to be the smartest, nether the best. I just want to know for me only that I can do it.
I want the little girl hidden behind my gaze in the mirror to know that she’s smart, and she’s capable of anything no matter what other people say.
