I didn’t see that coming
Serendipity, synchronicity or faith, call it as you will. Yesterday, I went to bed sincerely convinced that I would never get answers from P, and that I had to bring complete closure on my own. I woke up happy to work on my emotional maturity, and ready to move on. Then, I noticed an email. After over 6 months of trying to get some feedback from him, he finally did. I couldn’t believe it.
Here I was last night being grateful for emotional courage in general, but thinking of my own first. I guess my prayer was finally answered. If he would have taken one more day, I’m not even sure if I would have accepted to engage in a dialogue. He knew how long he took, and he felt something yesterday evening that compelled him to act. He wrote, truthfully, without restreint. Well without restreint for him is very much composed, but a tab more emotional. He also cannot forget nor move on. Our lives have been inexplicably synchronized since the break-up.
I guess I was right, and wrong all at once. Yesterday me was wrong to see him as yet another lame man. Last year me may have not been so delusional on the magical connection we had. Across time and distances, our lives are still intertwined in mysterious ways. From adoring, “Don’t Look Up”, to listening to the same break-up song that came out after we went our separate ways, strange forces are at play. We can still tell how the other feel, even when not communicating. I can’t let these phenomenon unoticed.
I’m being clear though that I’m not looking for friendship, that would be torture because I feel much more for him than platonic sentiments. I also made sure he understands that he has to clarify his intentions sooner than later. Does he want to bring closure to our story, and finally untangle our paths, or does he want to commit. At this stage we both know that if we try again it’s for real. Our method of communication is by email, giving us time, and space to reflect while answering uninterrupted. We enjoy detailed, and more lengthy messages to. He has indicated that he had to embrace courage more, and more in the past year. He also has thanked me for the positive influence I had on him as well. I guess I did try to change him on his self-confidence, and leadership.
I’m partially incredulous of this destiny twist, but awkwardly I’m calm, and confident. Somehow, I feel like a part of me has been restored. I couldn’t imagine getting romantically tangled again last night, but tonight, I feel light. I can breath. Of course my hopes are up, and I’m also aware it could be a final goodbye. Still, the fact he displayed enough respect to over come his fear, and reach out speaks volume. He may be a little closer to who I imagined him to be. That he re-enteres my life or not, it feels good to know I wasn’t so naive after all.
I haven’t talked much about my studies in the past few days, so here’s an update. I’m getting used to the new online format of my algebra class. It’s a better teacher, and course structure than last semester. I’m so glad I abandoned the previous one. I don’t have much info on my chemistry class, but I know it will come soon enough. My goal is to spend at least 4 hours study blocks, 4 times a week in school, not including class. Hopefully I can increase that in due time, but for now, it’s the safest format to preserve my energy.