It boils down to courage.
Without vulnerability, you’ll never be in a relationship. It’s your choice: humbly belong or fight for your ego alone. My upbringing mostly taught me to use emotional defence mechanisms, not emotions. It was about reacting rather than feeling. “Quick, hide that sadness, it looks weak.”, my old inner critic would say, or “Haha, now you proved you’re strong. Well done on putting him down”. I carried a heavy and ridiculous facade which unfortunately pushed away many good people out of my life. Getting in touch with my feelings has been a long and still unfolding journey of self-awareness, emotional education, compassion, therapy and love.
It’s scary to open up. I video chatted with a friend I hadn't interacted with for two years and felt so self-aware and clumsy. After all the isolation and the introspection I put myself under, I’m wondering if I’m able to socialize again. You know, how to people, like a cat who forgot how to cat. Though social norms are quickly shifting, I can start noticing my age since I don’t seem to keep up with the current social etiquette. Without being a savage, I fear I may be a bit of a bigot sometimes. Addressing differences and inequality has dramatically improved since my younger years, but I came from the nineties school of thought of: “I see no differences in the world.” Being able to respectfully and intelligently approach difficult subjects does propel growth, but it also is super hard. I very much enjoy learning how but I hope I’m not leaving a trail of damaged interactions in the process.
On this tangent about interpersonal inadequacies, I had two no-reads days last week in my stats which affected me more than I taught it would. I hate the impact it had on my mood. Why did I care? It’s so ridiculous because my daily journaling is a personal growth exercise I’ve taken upon for my own sake with no further objectives, “in theory.” I’ve consistently had one read a day for the past two months, mostly my ex at first, and had grown accustomed to that baseline. Seeing a zero hurt me more than I originally thought possible. I’m far from having a following but I did find myself feeling incompetent, self-centred and uninteresting. I chose to share my writings on a blog to use this public platform as an accountability system to keep me motivated and rigorous in my daily entries. That’s why I hit the publish button.
I’m not a writer and don’t aim to become one. I just want to be me and figure my stuff out along the way. In all honesty, it’s hard for me to recognize my emotions. Hence, when I manage to understand something, I tend to turn into an emotional exhibitionist and overdo it at times. “TMI Judith!” as a good friend kindly reminds me when I get into gross details of my personal life while we are eating. The rejected little girl I was has grown into a clueless woman in her social interactions. Luckily, those who appreciate my company know exactly where they stand with me due to my lack of filters. I can be egotistical, self-serving and insensitive, but I will listen to you if you tell me I’ve done something wrong. At least, I’m glad my ego can step out of the way to receive feedback.
