My usual demon

Judith's Squirrels
4 min readAug 29, 2021

Okay, I’m well aware hell is paved with good intentions and I definitely made myself a nice pavement. I know better, I’ve done better, still, without immediate fear, I rarely do what I need to do in advance.

In my past nomadic career, I use to panic every time I had to pack. Inevitably, I delayed my packing till the very last minute which confirmed my bias that organizing my suitcase was a nightmare. But one day, under the caring guidance of P, he made me realize it was much more an attitude than a lack of skills. At that point, work opportunities started opening up bringing me further away from home, while managing a long-distance relationship that led to meetings on the fly, literally. Spending agonizing hours of fooling around making a fit because packing was disagreeable was no longer a luxury I could afford. Also, for the sake of my relationship, I needed to prioritize my interactions with P because we had so little face-to-face time. As we strategized around ways to simplify the process, I came to realize I was what I call “anxiety packing”. I was trying to prepare for too many situations and did not give myself the credit I needed to be confident I could find a solution, once on site, if something was missing. I also narrowed down the instruments I most used and only brought the minimum. In less than a month, I was a packing ninja and to this day, the mindset I developed for packing stays with me.

To come back to my paved road to hell, one month and a half ago, the director of my department sent a document for all the mathematical notions that should be mastered before starting the semester. Of course, I thought I would be right on it, though I saw it late that day, and I was in the cuddly phase of the evening with L, and he used to be a math tutor so he’ll help me, and, and, and. The days went by and I had one last chance to tackle it on time this weekend, but yesterday was spent rehearsing the past and trying to get myself out of a funk.

So guess what, I’m reporting my first failure to complete my posted to-do. I can’t complete my math homework because there’s too much content I don’t understand as described in the document. I’ve scheduled an appointment with my tutor on Tuesday evening and I will be tackling the beast of a homework that awoken my procrastination demon. I’m not being passive about this failure though, once more, I know better. I will be back on track and I trust that I will overcome my obstacles, one tiny step at a time.

Yet, a concern remains, my funk. My heart aches from missing P, from being disappointed by the outcome of my relationship with L and for feeling lonely. I may be calling and messaging good friends every day, it doesn’t compare to an actual physical presence. Being alone wasn’t so much of a burden when I was younger, but as I’m getting older, I feel the wait of solitude much more. They say that the heart softens as we age and I agree. I forgive more easily and I care more. One thing I need to do this week is to take care of my healthcare coverage and see how quickly I can get psychological help. Also, I will need to get a new prescription for my ADD. My new healthcare card will arrive around Sept 1st and I’ll be able to take care of that quickly from there. On a positive note, I got accepted to receive food support and will get monthly grocery store gift cards to help. That’s one less stress off my mind.

Gratitude Journal:

I’m grateful for feeling inadequate; that means I’m pushing myself into new territory.

Essentials of today's to-do:

  • Complete my math homework — IN PROGRESS, LATE
  • Complete Mariposa’s French content review with my new correction program — DONE
  • Prepare my lunch for my first day of school — DONE

Essentials of tomorrow’s to-do:

  • Go to my student accommodation appointment for my learning disabilities
  • Attend my first class
  • Buy the necessary books for that class
  • Prepare my lunch for the next day
  • Do my homework

Goals

Daily (for tomorrow)

Be confident in my skills.

Weekly

Be on time and act on each teacher’s demands.

Monthly

Commit to doing my homework in advance and use the university study period to my benefit.

Yearly

Complete with success my sciences preparation certificate.

Life

Become a pussy juice doctor.

Mantra:

How does this help me become a pussy juice doctor?

Everything is figureoutable, especially with a tutor.

--

--

Judith's Squirrels

Completed diary of a student entering university at forty. Just writing for me. Kaizenka, ex-nomade, foodie, and health nerd.