Getting back on track with the important administrative tasks of my life has been a challenge. I’ve organized and reorganized my new place compulsively and even if the pile of paper for my taxes is at the foot of my bed, I stare at it multiple times a day but avoid taking a close look at it. The healing cocoon I’ve created for myself is so comfortable that I don’t want to confront any stressors at the moment. Inaction will have negative impacts on my future schedule and I must find a loving way to get me started.
Even if I’m not afflicted with Takostubo syndrome, my heart greatly aches from the recent separation I had to go through. The choice of standing for my values remains difficult as every waking morning reminds me of my loss. The ambivalence of my feelings drains a significant amount of my mental energy: “Did I make the right choice? Could there have been another way? I never loved so deeply before. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten involved in the first place? With all the red flags, I should have known better? Nobody is perfect, including you Judith, have you been too hard? Realistically, it was not a solid foundation, it was meant to break. What if…” And the mental disk skips again and again as I’m vacillating between anger, bargaining and depression in my grieving process.
I know that if I orient my thoughts in a new direction it will distract my mind for a bit, but my heart remembers no matter what. I’ve pushed through painful events before and have managed large tasks simultaneously, but I want to find my path to kind productivity. As I mentioned before, I no longer accept self-harm in the form of forceful pressure and guilt in my accomplishments. What micro-step could I set for myself to get the ball rolling again tomorrow?
This move is different from my previous ones, I really opened every box and sorted every item. I needed to reconnect with my past and deal with my good and bad memories. Like shedding old skin, I have to take account of what was and reinvent my growth. I desired to go beyond practically when unpacking to include enjoyment and beauty in my organization. Little by little, my space is taking shape as my new mental architecture rises. Soon, my world will be reborn and I trust that I will be okay. More than okay, I will thrive.