As predicted, it was a busy morning cleaning and packing to help my friends go back on the road as their vacation ended. I took a nice long recovery nap in the afternoon before accomplishing a fair amount on my to-do list. Now that I’m well fed and a little more set up in my new place, the night is bringing its load of memories. Not so much the nice souvenirs of the time I had with my friends, but rather a past relationship.
The infamous P is in my mind tonight. Even if my tarot deck has shown me time and time again the reversed death card, which means that there will be no way back, my heart yearns. It’s not healthy, and I do know better, yet again, I miss him deeply. I never stopped wondering about what happened and how he lived this soul-crushing breakup. Does he wonder too?
I most likely will never know, and my cards keep reminding me with the hierophant to focus on my studies. I know, I know as I sigh… Letting go of an epic romance is tremendously hard. No matter how much I have accomplished since, no matter the time I’ve spent with L, nor the work I’ve done on myself, I still feel the deep agony of having lost my twin flame.
Accepting this reality is one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life. Constant flashbacks of the magical moments of this extraordinary relationship keep popping into my mind. All the times he made me cry with joy, all the surreal dates in fabulous places around the country and the depth of our connection. Regardless of those exceptional qualities, one fatal flaw lingered until it ended our dream.
For those who ever had to go through such a crippling heartache, I’m sure you can relate, and for those still seeking, beware that once you have lived this intoxicating kind of love, losing it will break you. You will get back together, but never as you use to be. It’s the downside of a love story that could make a novel. All I can do now is find ways to compensate for my loss.
I miss the dogs even if they were a lot of work over the weekend. I crave cuddles and a loving presence as I sit alone in my little studio. I’m not alone, friends are messaging me, and I have another full day awaiting tomorrow. Though, I’m not going to hide what really is on my mind right now. One micro-step at a time, I’ll find new solutions to find companionship, and my quality of life will increase. I need to keep persevering.