On the fence of fight or flight
I’ve started “Burnout, The Secret To Unlocking The Stress Cycle” by the Nagoski sisters. Of course, it was a recommendation by Brené Brown in her podcast “Unlocking Us.” By the second page of the first chapter, it became clear that it will be another key educational read that will help me achieve my dream of studying microbiology. My study planning this week has been about researching the most affordable rents in Canada, looking at unique locations for Canadian Universities and the various curricular paths that will make the most sense for my resources and ambition.
The fence I’m straddling right now divides me between choosing to fight or flight which kind of freezes me. Letting go of my current source of revenue to exit the margins of society I’ve been in with my current work, find a low-cost rent, pay lower tuition and begin a fresh start immediately would be what I see as my fleeing option. I have no idea if it will improve my situation as it will put me under an even tighter financial strain and a longer study path. Still, it will also give me faster access to a new work field and hopefully a more satisfying stream of revenue. On the other hand, to put up a fight would be to continue running my small business, even if it’s not as profitable due to the pandemic and do something that no longer satisfies me. Keep my more expensive rent, go to more expensive schools, but avoid moving costs and greater uncertainty while shortening the number of years to achieve my goal.
At the moment, in my eyes, there are equal pros and cons for each situation. One thing may tilt the scale, and I will only find out later this month — student financial support. If I don’t get approved, it might be good to cut my losses by moving to a less expensive place sooner, but I will do so by renouncing my source of revenue and landing with nothing in my pockets at first. It might be better to stay where I’m at as business may pick up in the Fall after more of us get vaccinated, and I may be better regardless of student financial support. There are so many variables I cannot discover in advance, all I can do is speculate, and it makes me quite insecure.
I’ve become an expert at rolling with the punches over the years, but I don’t want my living situation to get in the way of my studies in the process. I’m tired of running away from negative circumstances towards the unknown in hopes of a landing in a more favourable situation. “We thrive when we have a positive goal to move towards, not just a negative state we’re trying to move away from.” as the Nagoski sisters say. I don’t want to fly away anymore. My current living situation is the result of running away from a bad roommate accommodation last year. Now that I’ve gained a healthier living environment, I realize that it was a choice made out of self-preservation, not self-expansion and I find myself once more stuck.
When I move, that it’s in a few weeks or a few years, I want to do so with an as clear as possible path towards the best. In the current economy of the pandemic, I must adjust day by day, and I fear I will have to extrapolate some of my conclusion to uncomfortable extents in my planning. I do need to dig further in myself to find out what I desire above all, and from there, make my choices. To stay grounded while the world perpetually revolves around itself. As the quote goes: when you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Still, it’s so hard to figure out what to do with so much global uncertainty. Ugh!
