Paying my respects

Judith's Squirrels
3 min readApr 30, 2022

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I may not have wrote much about it in the Fall, but in September, I learned that someone I use to be best friends with had taken her life away. It was a shocking news since she was a little younger than me, and had a daughter. We were inseparable for five years before I took my distances. Her constant demands for consoling while returning time, and time again to an abusive boyfriend had drained all my energy. I couldn’t save her, so I saved myself. In the end, no one could save her.

After I’ve taken my distances, she lost friends after friends. First, the ones from childhood; then the more recent friendships got shorter, and shorter. In the end, only a boyfriend that was in the process of leaving her, and her exhausted mother could still endure her turbulent nature. The people around her kept asking her to consult mental health professionals. I did so fourteen years ago, but she refused to get treated. Up to the very end, her few remaining loved ones begged her to go to the doctor, and she refused. They knew she was terribly ill, but they couldn’t bring her by force to a clinic. When her partner left for a few minutes, it was enough time for her to put into action her ideation.

Her gradual downward spiral worsened year after year. The toxicity of her habits grew beyond the bearable. From an addiction to sex, to hard drugs, to reckless behaviors, this troubled soul found no haven leaving a trail of broken hearts in her raft. She was so talented; from the outside, she shined in confidence, and boldness. Only those who got close enough experienced her tourmentes.

It was hard to be her friend. Witnessing her progressing, and none stopping self-destruction was tearing my soul to pieces. As I sat down for three hours with her mother this afternoon, we recalled the good moments, the hard misfortunes, and the tragic ending. Even if I wasn’t communicating with that friend any longer, I still cared for her from a safe distance. I always liked her family, and use to spend many evenings, and nights at her place. Going back to their home, seeing the faces of the caring people who I felt were an extended family warmed my heart. But the palpable sadness clashed with the joyful reunion.

We relived so many memories talking today. We knew her so well, yet we all were hostage of her suffocating affection. Her genius translated in many ways, including her ability to bend people to her will; until they broke. On thay critical night of August 2021, the one that broke was her, and in an instant she was gone. In the debris of this precipitated passage, the caring ones reunited. She had attracted so many wonderful souls in her life. It’s sad that she’ll never again be able to experience the love of her circle of friends, and family.

We mourn as we realize that no matter how much one care for another, we can’t change their self-love. Rest in peace M, you are remembered.

Gratitude Journal:

I’m grateful for having been in the life of M.

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Judith's Squirrels

Completed diary of a student entering university at forty. Just writing for me. Kaizenka, ex-nomade, foodie, and health nerd.