Practice makes perfect
Most of my mathematical bases are covered, and it shows. The pace to which I resolve my exercises have increased, and this is a sign I will most likely finish the exam on time. I’ll still have to be very focused and dedicated as this midterm will be short. The less time I get to do an exam, the more I have to master my skills to fly quickly through the calculations. I’m eager to put my knowledge to the test.
This is exciting, and a little scary. As my confidence grows, so does my vitality. Learning is so much fun, especially without time, and financial constraints. My decision to ask to be recognized as a full-time student, but follow a part-time schedule was wise. Catching up on my highschool math, and getting back into the pace of ongoing learning has been hard. Alleviating as many stressors as possible has been a key to my current success.
On the subject of stress, it’s becoming abondantly clear that my attention problems are very anchored in emotions. The better I feel, the easier my homework becomes. Till last week, I wasn’t really aware of what performance anxiety meant. I had a stereotypical outdated view of this issue. I’ve always been able to puch through my fears, especially the fears created by my mind. What I didn’t realize is that my inner critic was always around the corner no matter what.
Even if I temporarily overcome my limitations, my juging nagging inner voice would rip to pieces any of my achievements. Without realizing it, I would constantly hinder my energy, and eventually fall in a state of inaction. Froze by doubt, and fear, my brain couldn’t make much sense of anything anymore. Rationalizing didn’t help nether, what was underneath this self-defeating mechanism was extreme self-criticism — paralyzing self-criticism.
When multiplied with the fear of disappointing someone I care about, my mind would cripple under self-pressure. It has become so ingrained into my ways that I haven’t noticed it before now. Actually, I now can remember the early creation of this condemning inner court of law as a child. Those memories had been long forgotten, but the constant investigation to find the root of my problems has uncovered some of them. The hurt, lonely, and misunderstood little girl is starting to share her secrets.
One act of kindness at a time, I’m healing my past. With compassion, I can reassure the younger me so that she can live once more. Hence my vitality when I break free from the bounds of the past. It was a long day, and much more studying lays ahead. I’m off to bed, and I will persevere tomorrow.