Ready, set, study!
Omg, just survived two hours of high speed tutoring with my awesome tutor. I’m drained, but happy. It’s good to have him back. I missed him, and he was very happy to continue with me too. He told me how well I’m doing, and that I do need to control my stress. I’m overly aware now of how my performance anxiety gets in the way of my progress.
I did have to battle that demon in through out the day. From the moment I encounter a problem I can’t figure out, I become retless. That’s when my ADD gets on overdrive, and I start procrastinating on doing side tasks or fall asleep from a from mild depression. I’ve said it many times, and I’ll have to take action, I need to consult a therapist for my performance anxity. My emotional relationship with studies must transform.
When faced with a subject I feel inadequate for, I lose perspective, and fall right at pray to my negative self-talk. Weirdly, the talk isn’t comprehensible, it’s like it’s muffled. But my brain, and my body reacts as it was loud, and clear. Immediately I start feeling the effects of stress. It’s my reactions that allow me to go upstream the chain of event to the triggering anxiety. It’s skips so many steps of my awareness that I’m blind to my internal state. All I can see is my urge to escape.
I love learning, and I adore mastering haed subjects like integrals, and physics. It’s so mentally nourishing, and satisfying. Though, somewhere, in the depth of my past lies anchored patterns, limiting self-beliefs, and gut wrenching fears. I can catch myself faster when I start acting up, but I’m unable to untangle the web of emotions around my anxiety.
After my move, without excuses, I must start therapy.
