It’s been nice to visit friends, and family. To reconnect, remember, and mourn. It seems this passed weekend was all about old memories, and coming full circle. As one more circle was closed today, I can freely move ahead. Without regrets or fear, I walk into my my future with my head high, my mind curious, and my heart at peace.
There will always be so many places to see, and too many people to meet. At 41 my energy is limited. I can’t scatter my precious time into random endeavors anymore. I know what I want, I know I can get it, and I will focus on keeping cours. A part of me would have enjoyed the spark of a potential romance, but the cloud of “not that in to you” has tarnished the forecast. I’ve wasted my best years trying to prove to emotionally unavailable men that I was worth it. I’m not falling in that trap again. I love myself way too much now to give my affection in the wrong place.
With that being said, I’m not closing the door. I’m just using a better bouncer to select who’s allowed in my inner circle. The question comes back: “can men fulfill my emotional needs?” So far, the answer remains a negation. Like the book “The journey from abandonment to healing,” mentions: “the right one is you.” The person I need to invest my energy in finding is all the different untapped aspects of myself.
The one self I want to meet is my independence. Not out of hurt because I feel rejected, but out of longing to stand on my own two feet. Of course I’ve accomplished a lot, and I know I can handle tones. Though emotionally, can I create a healthy social circle that can sustain me, and that I can sustain. Who will get a VIP pass into my deepest vulnerability? I’m still hoping it will be a woman.