Rejecting stagnation

Judith's Squirrels
3 min readMar 25, 2023

Growth, and novelty I depend on. Without this fertile ground, and sun, my soul cripples into an abyss of despair. My new found stability grants me the privilege of fully exploring my potential. Under the levelled constancy, and nurturing love of my beloved, we witness my blossoming. My healing seems to transcend time, and generations. This is what acceptance, and belonging feels like — at last. Regardless of the toxicity of some of my family dynamics, the strength of St’s family bonds has created a home in which I can be safe. Simple basic healthy life conditions rebooted my immune, and nervous system. Without the perpetual threat of abandonment, ostracisation and financial insecurity, I can release layers of profoundly ingrained intergenerational stress. Little did St, and I knew that his secure attachment patterns, and stable life could create such dramatic positive impacts.

I can embrace the Kaizen philosophy at a whole new level. Experimenting, and learning at will. The best part is how I can mature in my study habits. I started the audiobook,Scattered Minds, The Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder”, by Dr. Gabor Maté. I’m barely at a fourth of the book, and 75% of my childhood developpement has been explained. The key component that has altered my growth is the inadequate maturation of my right frontal cortex lobe. To simplify, this translates into the inability to develop a mature perception of practical life. A child-like thinking frame in which time management, organisation, social developpement, and life responsibility get twisted. Some development stages have not taken place for me yet, but they can happen at any age, and it’s happening now.

I can spread my study load responsibly this semester. Even if it’s stressful, and physically demanding to sit steel, and just push through the work, I’m actually capable of doing it. My brain is not fighting against me like a cat stuck in a well. It’s hard, really hard, but I’m able to muster the strength to move forward; everyday a little bit more. The gratifying joy of being able to stick to a study plan is something I never thought I would experience. Just one fondamental key was missing before that stopped me from reaching my goals– love. Nonjudgmental, non-manipulative, non-punitive, enthusiastically, and openly given love. Knowing how to love is an extremely rare skill. Experiencing, and learning this art has propelled me into a life of happiness that I couldn’t conceive before.

Let’s be clear on the type of love I’m talking about here. It has nothing to do with the romantic idealisations literature or media perpetuates. I’m referring to quite the opposite of the conception we tend to have around relationships. Healthy attachment is calm, subtle, and boring enough to be dependent on. The love that is healing me is a continuous light stream of kindness, and conscientiousness that doesn’t appear in novels. Nurturing constancy, that’s the most important environment in which a child can develop. At forty two, I’m getting my first taste of it.

This lengthy explanation of my new circumstances, leads me to talk about the subsiding of my chronic fatigue. Yes, you’re reading me correctly, what has persisted for the past three years is starting to fade. I’m not making any swift changes, nor do I want to put more on my plate. What it finally allows me to return to is my tenacious desire to improve myself, and my life. Hence why stagnation can once more be defeated. St being a creature of extreme habits as I lovingly calm him, is also gaining from my aversion to redondance. Before he got really sick in his forties, he was always exploring new hobbies, and personal growth approaches. This trait in him was one of the reasons I liked him so much as a friend back then. The desire to be our best selves was important to us, and still is.

I’m not the only one who has experienced miraculous healing, St’s condition has improved significantly. He too can enjoy more freedom to perform the activities he enjoys. Together, we’re pulling ourselves out of the tare of unhealth, and walking towards new possibilities. This victory hopefully can fuel the healing of others. I’m concerned about my friend S. She’s really struggling emotionally right now, and I hope I can lend a hand, if she lets me. It’s hard to help her as she’s attached to her independence, and autonomy. She’s exhausted physically, but even more mentally. I hope I can share my stability so she can find refuge to heal. Time will tell if my desire can materialise. S also suffers from ADD, and only constancy can cure this condition.

Gratitude journal:

I’m grateful for the privilege of self-regulation.



Judith's Squirrels

Completed diary of a student entering university at forty. Just writing for me. Kaizenka, ex-nomade, foodie, and health nerd.