Rewriting the past
Reviewing at my own pace my highschool mathematics is an enjoyable process so far. I still have to kick my behind out of bed, though once at it, I’m happy to be learning. What I appreciate most is how each problems I solve somehow heals a part of my childhood.
I started my term being a total jerk to myself. I would internally bully every of my actions and thoughts. Even if I knew better not to do that, a part of my past was replaying itself. It did diminish my performance, and affect my mental health. Luckily, I’ve developed better self-awareness over the years, and my counselor and I looked into this issue since the beginning. Letting my internal tape play till the end deemed useful as I could pin point each hurts origin, and put it back in the passed where it belonged. This work has now freed mental space for new inner interactions, kind and caring ones.
My new counselor keeps reminding me that I am where I am now because I love myself enough to achieve it. I very much like that philosophy. Beyond reframing, it puts the power into my hands for having done so well considering the mental illness I battle everyday. Knowing that I’m no longer a helpless child who’s at the mercy of unstable adults, I can teach myself how to live my life my way.
Following my own pace is probably the most satisfying decision and the wisest choice I’ve made since the start of my university studies. As I say to most my schoolmates, I give myself 10 years to do as much as I can to get as close to my goal of being a feminine microbiome specialist. My job is to be a student right now, and I’m making this journey as enjoyable as possible. I want a sustainable constant pace of learning, one that will leave me healthy. I no longer buy in the productivity porn narrative.
Yes, I want performance in my forties, which includes all aspects of my existence. In my definition of performance, self-care is part of my goals. Only if I function to the best of my abilities can I produce great results. Right now, I’m focusing on the kaizen of my self-talk to rewrite faulting narratives, and nurture the real me.