Short lived recovery
Tomorrow’s lab is a hefty one. I spent my afternoon, and evening preparing for it. Even if I did a complete checklist of everything I have to do, in the most detailed, and clear form as possible, I’m scared. The past weeks of struggles with chemistry has hindered any slight confidence I built last semester. Quite frankly, I’m terrified.
Having scored well where I least expected it has now created a new minimum bar to reach. The pressure I’m putting on myself is greater than ever before. Even if I can rationalize my feelings, my body is not following the thought process. I’m not comfortable with having others build expectations of me. I feel that I’ll be disappointing my teacher, and it crushes me. Regardless of the ridicule of this thought, and the fact that I know he’s to busy to notice with the hundreds of students he teaches to, I still feel that for the time he has invested helping me one-on-one, I owe him to succeed.
This survival instinct to be part of the clan is on overdrive inside of me. I need to catch up my peers, this chemistry math has to do be uncovered so I can earn my place among everyone. I have to, well my instinct feels it has to. It’s not real, it’s a matter of perception, but stress doesn’t make these kinds of distinction. Fear is fear, imaginary or real when it comes to biological functions. All I can do is catch myself in my loops of anxiety, breath, and self-sooth as best I can.
Luckily, I a did part of my preparation with my lab partner. Not being alone with my fears has helped complete the preparation document I created for us. She loves it, and it’s the only way I can tame my anguish since it will be a complicated laboratory manipulating dangerous products. As we repeat to each other often: “we got this!”
Yes, we got this — together. I’m not alone, and I will make it through.