Sparks
Okay, last Tuesday I was butt hurt, and took refuge in the comfort of all or nothing. Yes, someting on a romantic level is going on, but I didn’t want to get too excited before I had more ground on which I could start building expectations. The foundations have been laid tonight, and it’s looking sturdy so I will talk about the unfoldings.
In 2008, I had a best friend that I adored above, and beyond anybody in my life. We would spend most weekends together, binge watch TV shows together, and be at our best when together. He had feelings for me, but as much as I liked him, I was unable to develop feelings for him outside of friendship. For his well-being, we both agreed to end the friendship because it was hurting him. I cried so much after saying goodbye. I didn’t cry that much for a lot of boyfriends.
Time passed, I matured, and about ten years ago, I realized that I wobe able to love him. I also knew I wanted a man resembling him with whom I could cultivate a deep friendship. Him, and I would float in a kitchen indulging in our foodiness creativity like we had worked our entire lives in a kitchen together. We loved the same movies, enjoyed the same music, and radiated joy when together. I was angry at myself for so many years for not having been able to feel more for him in my late twenties.
On my last interactions with P, about a month and a half ago, I was standing in the position of my old friend. P wanted to be friends, but I couldn’t because I would always have romantic feelings for P. I severed ties completely. There was already a lot of distance, but I really cut the psychic link from him in my mind, heart, and soul. This event reminded me of my old friend, and how he had to do that for himself about thirteen years ago.
Because I live on the other side of the North-American continent for soany years, I didn’t think of reaching out for my old friend, I had left it in my past. When I truly felt what it felt to say no to a deep friendship, he popped in my mind clear as day. I messaged him respectfully on Messenger, and waited. Two days later, he agreed to meet on my next visit to Montreal. On a beautiful sunny Sunday, we reconnected after not seeing eachother for eleven years. It was uplifting.
He’s clearly expressed that he need time. He never expected me to show interest, he had balanced a single life that suited him, and wasn’t planning to let someone in at this stage of his life. I just came out of the blue, and old feelings resurfaced. As he said on our Tuesday conversation: “He doesn’t want to be with me just because I’m there.” Yes, I got butt hurt at first, and took a step back. After many days of reflection, I considered it wise, and didn’t have a grudge.
Equally for me, I wasn’t going to let someone in just because they are there. Those days of reflection proven fruitful. This evening conversation overfload with understanding, and hope. My initial interpretation of him not being into me was wrong. As he carefully reviewed his feelings, and assed his current circumstances, he’s show clear interest. As usual, he’s wise, and mature. I asked him to lead the pace. He can welcome my words, and enthusiasm, while he establish the necessary boundaries for eachothers self-respect. Is panning out well, very very well.
He agrees on my views of feminism, and he concurs that when it comes to emotional support, women are in generally better at it. We both have the same vision of what partners in modern days bring to one an other. He’s been clear since our reconnection that the spark that we shared way back is still there. Who we are is intact with the upgeade of experience, and maturity. We see the same benefits of being with someone, and seem to have similar time lines for plans, and lifestyle.
He wants to take it slow because he wants this to work, so do I. This about creating a dynamic that will satisfy us both, and respect of lives. We have our dreams, we keep busy, and we need to know we can count on eachother without micromanaging. The best part, we nerd out on the same intellectual stuff. He’s a big-time nerd fyi. He left me weak in the knees talking about crypto currency investment. Gosh, we didn’t talk for more than a decade, and we developed the same interests in parallel.
We agree the fact we live in different cities is perfect. We can maintain our independence, focus on our goals, and cultivate anticipation. Tonight, we both know we are on a good start. We can allow ourselves to dream.
Quick note had a spa like visit at the gym this morning, studied well, and enjoyed a lovely long chat with my old friend. I will call him “St” because “S” is already in use. S is so happy for us! She liked him a lot as a friend and she sees wonderful potential in us.
