Still going

Wow, I haven’t had such a self-motivated consistent streak of productivity in a long time. I can’t remember when was the last time I was emotionally stable, not on the verge of any dramatic consequences or striving for a giant goal, yet going at it with no procrastination. This new found regulated state is brilliant.

I woke up warly, did a thirty minutes workout at the gym downstairs, before diving in my studies all day. I completed the majority homework, and studied all the content of this weeks for my math class. My schoolfriend brought up a question about a though question of this thrid homework, and it made me realize I should focus on that subject now to maximize my tutoring tomorrow. I’ll get back to my physics studies tomorrow before jumping back in to integrals in the evening. It seams that when I know all will be fine at the end of the day; that no matter what, I will have love, and acceptance waiting for me, hard tasks are not as intimidating.

As a child, I never knew what to expect. I didn’t know what kind of humiliating situation I would be place in at school, or which argument I would be into at home. No matter what I did when it comes to studying, ssomething was bound to go wrong. Even in my dreams, my fears would follow me. Their was no rest to my anxiety except when I escaped im reverie, my favourite form of procrastination. As an adult, my avoidance took more complex forms, but the feelin stayed the same: more disappointments, and lost of the affection of others awaited no matter what.

Even at forthy one, I still terrified by the prospect of love withdrawal. I understand all the mechanismes, and have done a lot of work on this issue. My inner bully has a strong hold on me. Luckily, with St I don’t have to struggle for approval. He loves me. Like the rays of the sun, he keeps giving calmly, amd confidently. I’m safe. I’m welcomed. I matter.

This new experience of true stability is transformative. As we both are working on regulating my stress levels, we can both see the outstanding changes starting happening. I no longer need to do things to be rewarded financially or emotionally. I can do things for the pleasure of doing them, amd gosh am I loving studying. It doesn’t matter if it’s hard or out of my usual field of interest. Learning for the sake of learning brings me pure joy.

Gratitude Journal:

I’m grateful for learning.

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Judith's Squirrels

Daily diary of a student entering university at forty. Just writing for me. Kaizenka, ex-nomade, foodie, and health nerd.