Judith's Squirrels
2 min readJul 27, 2022


Sitting on the couch, chatting with my beloved, I tough him a new scientifique fact: sunflowers are used to decontaminate radioactive soil. They have the natural capacity to absorb radioactive isotopes. St is my sunflower field.

Accessing my Medium account for today’s post, I came across an article on men who marry women they don’t love. That was P — yes, he was married, and I never clearly mentioned that in my previous posts. When he approached me, he supposedly never loved her. He did it because his family bugged him, and friends said he should marry. That was the original story. Though, over the months, as he started conversations to assess his maritale situation with his partner, and realized she felt stronger about him, than him towards her. Yet again that is his account.

From there, the story started shifting. Maybe he was not so insensitive towards her after all, that he does care about someone he had kids with, and built a life together. To be clear, I wanted a consensual, all parties aware, and in communication, well negotiated polyamorous relationship. I was precise on the need conditions for this to work, and also the time frame in which it had to be done. I wasn’t going to wait for ever, and he never made before the dead line. Worst, his partner confronted him with the affair because it was obvious. If you only knew the time, energy, and resources that were used to elaborate the ground to start the negotiations, you would be mesmerized.

Months of research reading, consulting family therapists, and polyamorous coaches, checking the legal ins and outs with a family lawyer. This was no joke to me. I was not going to disrespect an other woman, and certainly not a mother. A plan can only go as far as the willingness of its participants. The rest, well we know it. He was just another lame coward cheater. Leaving two women in a wreck.

I managed to walk away from the manipulation, and emotional abuse. It took a year, but I did it. After many weeks of reading about relationships, doing therapy, and building a new life, I still tumble upon contaminated ground. Dead earth from a filthy past. When St enters those grounds, he brings the sun with him. He plants seeds of healing, and compassion. He is the sunflower farmer that’s cleaning my heart.

My humble gentle hero. With the kindness of an angel, he wraps his loving arms around my fears, and insecurities. He will be there, he will listen, and he will love.

“The one” comes with no drama. “The one” just is without a need to be acknowledged as such. “The one” just is, not tittles, no frills. And he acts accordingly. Only one emotionally strong man of integrity is needed to fill a life, and he never needs to be called “the one”. He just is.

Gratitude Journal:

I’m grateful for hard truths.



Judith's Squirrels

Completed diary of a student entering university at forty. Just writing for me. Kaizenka, ex-nomade, foodie, and health nerd.