That terrible feeling when you fear you loved the wrong person
My messages were not even opened… I reached out to my ex to bring myself closure using two platforms with the same message and I fear he has blocked me at this point. This result is an answer on its own, and it still hurts deeply. No, I was not compulsively reaching out nor sending anything inappropriate before. That he ended up being unfair to me or that I’ve mistaken who he was, going for the wrong romantic partner hurts.
This discarding of my presence makes me feel villainized when in reality, I did everything I could to prevent a negative turn of events. Unfortunately, my advice was ignored during critical turning points, which eventually led to the relationship’s collapse. A month ago, his reaction of opening my messages without responding at least acknowledge me in one form, but this complete disconnect affects me more than I anticipated. I obviously premeditated this possible outcome, but to live it still crushes me.
No amount of mental preparation can erase the pain. I compromised, stretched myself, bent my rules, tried again and again, to eventually be pushed out because I spoke an inconvenient truth. What sucks the most about real life is that when we stand for the right thing, we don’t get rewarded, and sometimes we suffer retaliation for it.
Venting is a momentary relief though further introspection will continue as I want to stop the cycle of failed romantic relationships. There’s a common denominator, me, and I’m bluntly aware of it. Nobody is perfect, therefore, we carry the responsibility of finding the best ways to address our issues. What is life trying to teach me? What is the lesson I’m refusing to learn that makes me fall back into defeat time and time again? Hopefully, this blog will help me stay self-accountable for my behaviours and choices by keeping a track record of my successes and failures.
In the meantime, I’ll continue speculating on my one and only daily reader to distract myself from my sadness. Is it someone I know that saw some of my shared posts on Facebook, or is it a stranger that found me through Medium? I have to admit I thought it was my ex, but today’s turn of events makes me strongly doubt this hypothesis. Does Medium create altered stats to encourage writers that have reached a certain number of writings? My squirrels are a bit annoyed at not figuring this out though I take it with a grain of salt. That it’s for one or a hundred readers, this diary is for my personal introspective journey primarily. Publishing my posts motivates me to persevere since the potentiality of being read remains.