The cold in my bones
The bargaining stage is irrevocably over in my grieving process. My package along with my apology letter was received and I got no response. This is it. This is the final confirmation that it is really over.
It was a very hard day and had to use the soothing delicious fried purple spud petals early in the afternoon to keep going. I’m actually happy my city is running out of stock of this decadent treat because it’s starting to affect my body. Also, I’m fully aware that it’s a coping mechanism in an attempt to numb my pain. It works relatively well for about an hour but is much more efficient if I eat them before bed so that the insulin high decreases my cortisol making it easier for my melatonin to kick in. Obviously not the best thing for my health and I’m at the point of debating giving myself a break with some CBD eatables instead of stuffing my face with beet chips. I know I’m trading one escape for another but can I bear this pain with no buffer?
Easier said than done during a lockdown and not having the chance to establish a healthy social in a city I moved back in less than a year ago. The support of friends being physically present with me would help a lot but it’s not an option and where I’m at I would need one of them to sleep over in rotation to soothe me. No sex, just a physical presence for security. I just finished the segment on pain-numbing behaviours in Brené Brown’s audio teachings: “The Power of Vulnerability”. I’m not alone in trying to escape the hurt and we are at a point in human history where our choices of numbing agents are greater than ever before. We can use almost anything to distract ourselves and turn it into a negative behaviour she demonstrates.
My opinion is that we have a societal issue where we overvalue positive emotions while banning so-called negative emotions. From emotional freedom techniques to motivational YouTube videos to prescribed medication, we are bombarded with ways to avoid feeling difficult emotions. It’s such a dichotomy to be in the era of self-awareness and emotional education while at the same time we have an explosion of mental-pain numbing tools.
We heal faster if we embrace the sorrow when grieving; letting it take its course unaltered. Still, I find it hard when a lot of the personal growth content I consumed over the years was all about being super happy and ignore life’s sad situations. I need some brain “demarketing” so that I start focussing on what’s real and not what’s easy to sell. We can’t fall for what is too good to be true, but at the same time, we need to cherish and be grateful for what is good. Taking the time to be mindful and acknowledge our blessings.
Can I be grateful for my pain? Can I cherish this mourning journey that now vacillates between depression and acceptance? One thing for sure is that I spent most of my day in the depression zone. The literal coldness of my body was a clear physical reaction to my emotional state. If you’re not familiar with this concept, I’m referring to research done on the body’s temperature distribution when experiencing different emotions using infrared cameras. I wore extra layers and stayed warm even if the temperature outside was wonderful. To Silverline this, I’ll enjoy a nice warm drink before bed tonight. Again, escaping my sorrow but writing about it has helped a lot. Thank you for reading.
P.S. I do eat normally every day a balanced carb-conscious 3 meals a day menu since the breakup. I attend well to all my nutritional needs but I’ve added to my usual eating habits a full bag of beet chips about 5 days a week. It’s not the worst but not the best nether and I have to find a better solution to deal with my painful sadness.
