The date I won’t forget.
This would have been our 22nd month anniversary if I would still be in relation with my ex. I think of him and miss him every day, no matter how busy I am. I haven’t forgotten him and never will. It was one of the most important relationships in my life, and I will carry good memories forever in my heart. There was a major issue that we couldn’t resolve which ultimately destroyed our couple, hopes and dreams. It was a painful end but a necessary one.
Yes, I feel alone every day since my breakup. It weighs on my heart all the time, but that was the risk I was willing to take to have a shot at love. Failure in this kind of emotional stunt always leaves permanent scars. I’m still getting used to this new inner world reflection my psyche projects back at me. One that bears all the marks of my broken past romances. That’s a deep cut, one that will stay noticeable to those who will enter my intimacy in the future. It’s still so tender.
I’ve reached a point of disillusion that has me turn towards new options for the future, none masculine ones. I’ve seen too much, I know too much, and I endured too much to be able to reconcile with those I see systematically lie, hide, gaslight and manipulate. Some say it’s systemic, and others say it’s inherent; I don’t know, but I no longer trust those who consistently have let me down since childhood. It is my truth till the contrary shows up and turns it into a generalization. For now, I only lived one outcome with this gender: disappointment.
Hopefully, my new student life will open up a feminine social circle that will welcome me with my quirks and twists. Given the pandemic, I build no hopes of attending school in person anytime soon, though, when I’m ready, I will create an online profile to meet like-minded women looking for companionship. As new possibilities are coming to me at an incredible pace since I’ve decided to move and go back to school, I will see how the universe responded to my future steps back in the world of dating. It won’t be for now, but life will send me what I need when I feel ready.
