The wheel of fortune
With the arrival of a potential romance came my usual emotional taming tarot reading. My feelings take me on a roller-coaster rides often, and sometimes what helps me take a birds eye view is to do a reading, and reflect. Yes, I’m studying science, and am a firm believer in the scientific method, but for the realm of irrational emotions, a little esoterism can help. Specially if it’s not taken as the truth.
Having made those disclaimers, here is what has happened with my readings since St came back in my life. The cards have very positive things to say about him. Unlike my ex relationship where for two years my taror deck wanted nothing to do with P, for the first time in a long time, the cards show favorable outcomes.
Once more, this is not a proof for anything, and it’s not something I can use to base my actions or decisions on.
Today, I had a scheduled conversation with St, and he had the day available to talk. I respectfully addressed our last conversation, how problematic it was for me, and how it was against my fundamental values. Without any winning, begging or lame excuses, St explained the origin of his answer, and how he wishes to step away from the man box. In the past, it was answers that made him successful in finding mates, and he hated having to play that role.
I made it clear that I wouldn’t coach him or try to change him, and that he was responsible of managing this part of himself. We both agree that partners have to be able to lean on one another, and feel comfortable to open up, but it’s not our job to be therapists for eachother. He opened up about how much he has disliked this manly act, and that being able to just be him is what he seeks.
I spoke to my best friend of the situation, and he’s obviously skeptical, and he really hopes I’m not running straight into another romantic disaster. He reserves his judgments till I’ve gotten to know St as a boyfriend for two months at least. If something is not right, by the second month it usually shows up.
My original disarray was fuelled by the dichotomy between St’s personality with me as a friend versus the awkward macho description he gave me on Wednesday. To see that I wasn’t mistaking on our past friendship, and that he actually do not wish to identify with those values was a huge relief. Now, from words to actions, theirs a universe.
For as long he’s proactively improving his feminist skills, and that he acts on what he described of himself today, I will be happy. So far, he has been honest, open, and willing to step in very uncomfortable territory. He has opened up about his passed relationships, and he also has wounds to heal. Hopefully, together we can contribute to eachothers growth. Today’s six hours comfortable, and free flowing chat is a good start.
Once more, if it wasn’t for using my newly acquired emotional management tools (thanks to Dr Susan Anderson), this clarification conversation wouldn’t have been possible. To make a choice based on confirmed information rather than swift assumptions feels great. St is on probation.